Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I’ve tasted what nourishes my soul. And I’ve been left “surprised” and aching when I try to substitute.
What a silly girl I can be sometimes. Preparing to spend time with Him, I caught myself thinking “Oh, hmm, but there’s no aches and needs that I need to spill before Him…” As if that was what being with Him was about!!!
Stepping into His presence, I became immediately overwhelmed by HOW GOOD and FAITHFUL He has been to me. Today. Yesterday. Last weekend. Last semester. Overwhelmed. It makes no sense.
The most wonderful part about reflecting on His indescribable goodness and faithfulness toward me recently [and then wondering how the next few months would go] was realizing that THAT’S WHO HE IS! I could already claim victory in the future because nothing about the Lord was going to change!!!
It was like the wisdom He had encouraged me with through Charles Spurgeon a few weeks ago, as exam time began:
“Unless the Eternal One Himself can undergo change, His ways, which are Himself in action, must remain forever the same. Is He eternally just, gracious, faithful, wise, tender? Then His ways must ever be distinguished for the same excellencies.”
One of the most beautiful things last semester was that in the very last weeks, during the height of my exhaustion and work load, He kept calling me back to Himself- to sit quietly with Him, to be still. I wish I could describe the intensity of the academic workload I would be in the MIDST of when He would suddenly ask me to put it aside and be with Him.
Deep fear, terror would sink over me, to the point of tears and cold sweats: “Lord, NOW? Are you SURE?”
I heard a quote a few days ago, it went something like “When we are up against something beyond our power, we can be sure it is the Lord’s domain.”
I think the reason He kept calling me to Himself as the semester both drew to a close and intensified was to simultaneously expose control issues I had in my heart, as well as the incompetency of my flesh.
Prayer Journal, December 4th- “I don’t feel like I’m going to make it, there is such a massive amount left. And I’m becoming so exhausted…”
“Nor will we say again, ‘Our god,’ to the work of our hands.” Hosea 14:3
“I have been cast out of Your sight; yet I will look again toward Your holy temple.” Jonah 2:4
“The Lord redeems the soul of His servants; and none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned.” Ps. 34:22
“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself… for apart from Me you can do nothing.” John 15:4, 5
“But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing.” Ps. 34: 10
I was not in control. I was not my source of strength. If I was to know ONE thing by the time I got my PA degree- it was to be that the Lord is the One that would own the career HE had brought to fruition.
“How much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself without blemish to God, cleanse your conscience form dead works to serve the living God.” Hebrews 9: 14
“But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy. Though I fall I will rise; though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me. I will bear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against Him, until He pleads my case and executes justice for me. He will bring me out to the light, and I will see His righteousness.” Hosea 7: 7-9
“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” Hosea 6: 8
There was SO much He taught me about myself, about Himself, those last few weeks- the busiest and most painful time all semester- who would have thought?!?
Another excerpt from my journal as the semester drew to a close:
“Lord God, what does it mean for me to actually let go of the things that keep me from You? What does the mean for me, look like?! My first thought Lord is – ‘school.’ School keeps me from You. The time it takes, the energy it demands, how much of my own ability and own strength it always needs. How do I let go and remain faithful in what You’ve ordained me to do?
I feel you quiet my heart with the truth- fear. It is not school, but fear that keeps me from You. Doubt. Gosh- what is it that I am actually afraid of?!?
Failing [cramming, fretting, neglecting, undisciplined, misery, too little time, poor performance]. I am so afraid of failure. I am attempting self-dependence and self-worth. …And it is destroying me.
Let go of the fear. What else do I know but it? Is it really not vital? Can life work right, go on without it?
I don’t know how the next 2 weeks will go Lord. I don’t even know tomorrow. But I know this moment. And I know Your presence. Here. Now. And I cling to You. I repent and throw off my false ‘gods’, my miserable strength, my struggle for value. Please forgive me Lord, in the Name of Jesus. Turn Your face toward me and rain grace. I deserve nothing yet need so much.
I mostly need You.”
“For thus the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, has said, “In repentance and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and trust is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15
“The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
Ok, ok, ok- I’ll quit talking and share photos ;D I feel like [?] most people skip the words, but for those who follow I hope your heart is blessed by how BEAUTIFUL Christ is!!!
Posted by Katie Smith at 11:20 PM