Didn’t see it coming. Couldn’t explain it. Couldn’t correct it.
It’s just me. I mess up, get confused, fail. Then unexpectedly, and completely aside from any doing of my own, the Lord steps down and raises me to my feet once again.
“I taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by their arms; but they did not know that I healed them. I drew them with gentle cords, with bands of love, and I was to them as those who take the yoke from their neck. I stooped and fed them.” Hosea 11: 3, 4
Those two weeks of Christmas break were undoubtedly restorative. Yet each day, each week brought unexpectedly heavy stressors.
By the time January 3 rolled around for classes to begin again things just felt… weird. A strangeness that lingered each day. New classes, new physicians, new schedule- not knowing how, when, or what to study. I felt guilty, unsettled, lazy, irritated, incompetent- like I couldn’t do it and wouldn’t swing fully back in.
All these restless, shameful feelings were intensified and made more confusing in light of the intense discipline and responsibility that the Lord had trained me with last semester, culminating as it drew to a close.
The past two weeks: I wasn’t buzzing over to the school each morning before the sun rose to study before class. I wasn’t spending 8, 9, 10 hours during the weekend days studying. I was not reading the textbooks and power points before and after classes. And for the life of me I could NOT pay attention for any substantial amount of time in class.
I was ashamed. I didn’t feel like myself. And I hated, resented it. Yet for all my wishing, hoping, and willing I could not dray myself out of “it.”
I really adore the Lord’s sense of humor. This morning I was sitting in the middle of Dr. Greenwood’s 8 A.M. Emergency Medicine class. Dr. Greenwood. ER doc for over 30 years. Tangents out the WAZOO!!! Tangents don’t mesh well with my ADD. My record attention span in his class till that morning was probably 7 whole uninterrupted minutes.
I really couldn’t tell you what on earth happened. Somewhere between Beta-2 Agonists, Bronchospasm, and Cardiac Arrest it was like the Lord suddenly took my face in His hands and shouted:
All that long-lost energy, focus, diligence flooded back- immediately.
It was as if the Lord stooped down, reached deep inside of me and … “flick.” Big flick. Like our old little old house in Landrum, SC when I’d blow dry my hair too long, short-circuit the place into pitch-blackness, and hubby would go “flick” the breaker back on- instantaneously flooding the dark house with light.
Ahh, our sweet ol mountain cottage…Had to reminisce a bit.
Sure don’t miss the “blow dryer black outs” though…
Whatever it was, I’m glad it’s over! A while later that day, however, I realized what an incredibly meaningful experience those weeks and this morning had been.
You never appreciate something until it is gone (which was in my case focus, as well as passion for medicine and compassion for my patients).
And we unknowingly are way too quick to credit ourselves for things we ACTUALLY don’t deserve an ounce of credit for (again, passion for medicine and compassion for patients).
I took those qualities for granted. I attributed them as ‘mine.’
I was reintroduced to my Source this morning.
It was quite a beautiful thing indeed.
“Do not be deceived, my beloved bretheren. Every good and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. Of His own will He brought us forth by the Word of truth, that we may be a kind of firstfruits of His creatures.” James 1: 16-18
“It is God who works in you.” Philippians 2:13
“Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God.” 2 Corinthians 3:5
“A man can receive nothing unless it has been given to him from heaven.” John 3:27
“No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws Him…” John 6:44
“I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me forever.” Jeremiah 32:39
“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10
More Catch-Up Photos from Thanksgiving:
|This is Mommy's "Fed-up-with-7-dollar-hot-chocolate" face.|
She's revolting and bringing her own.
|Reeeeeeeeally quick hug during Tiger Walk-|
Ain't he handsome?!
|This was like "Take 3457"|
But we had to have a pic w the paw :D
|Dont be fooled- we were FREEZING|
And still had a pile of fun :)
|You aint seen nothin till you've been to DEATH VALLEY|
Pause the music at the bottom so you can listen to this!
|Garrett!! Turn around!!|
|Thank you :)|
|So proud of Baby Dur Dur :D|
“Lord, You will establish peace for us, for You have also done all our works in us.” Isaiah 26:12
Blessings- Katie :)